Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Just Who is in Charge???
John and Linda Friel wrote a book entitled The Seven Worst Things that Parents Do. The same principles apply whether the child is two years old or 14 years old. At any age, the parent must be the manager, and the child must learn to cope with the demands of life. Research to find one of the behaviors that the Friels identify as unacceptable and comment upon it on the blog..
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Being your child's best friend.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that parents may want to do that is very detrimental to the parent/child relationship is trying to be the child's friend, best or otherwise. Children do not need a friend they need a parent. They need disipline, rules and boundaries. The parent that tries to be the child's friend ends up with the child having no respect for the parent. As much as the child may say they want their parents to be their friends, especially as they reach those teenage years, what they want is parenting. They have to learn how to follow the rules and that there are consequences for failure to follow those rules. Tough love is sometimes the best love.
I am going to pick the one I disagree with. Number five on their list is being your child's best friend. I totally disagree that's one of the worst things parents do. All through my life, my mom has been my best friend. There has never a time in my life when I didn't consider my mom or dad my best friends. Granted we had our disagreements, but I knew that they were the parents and and I was the child. I knew that rules I had to follow and I followed them. Oh, I was late for curfew once and mom grounded me. But the was their job, to enforce the rules. My mom was the person I went to when good or bad things happened. She's the person I confided in; she's also the first person to tell me when I'm wrong. A child can have rules and boundaries and still be friends with their parents. So, I am living proof that number 5 on the list is wrong.
ReplyDeleteOk, I am going to have to disagree with what Wetzel has said. Parents can discipline, set rules, and still be their child's friend. Since my parents were my friends, I knew I could talk to them about anything that was going on in my life and they would be honest and truthful. I never lost respect for my parents; I respect them more than any other person in the world, even when I was mad at them. Being friends with your children helps them grow and learn.
ReplyDeleteAmiee - there is a difference between being able to go to your parents and talking to them about everything in your life and what we are talking about here as far as being friends with your child(ren). Everyone should have the kind of relationship that you are talking about - you should go to them with all the good and bad things in your life. What we are talking about here is when the parent is too concerned with being the childs friend INSTEAD of being the parent. For example, some parents may let thier young kids smoke pot or have sex in their homes because they think they are being "friends" and their child will think they are cool and all their friends will like them too...this is what we are talking about. In this instance the parent needs to be the parent and enforce the rules and be the bad guy, if that is what you want to call it.
ReplyDeleteFailing to give your child structure is one of the seven worst things parents do. I work with children on a daily basis. If children do not have consistency in their lives their behavior continues to spiral out of contral. Clear limits and realistic expectations need to be established. Follow through is also important. A child needs to have a routine as best as possible, they are more certain and compliant. Communication is key!
ReplyDeleteAmiee and Wetzel- your discussion is great. I think parents today take the "friend" thing to extremes- partying with your child, encouraging your child to live dangerously is cause for disaster. I think you have to were multiple hats and know that no two situations are the same. You have to remain "clear minded" and trying to leave emotion out of it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all seven of the mistakes parents make according to the friel's. The first one on the list is a big one. I can tell if a person was babied as a child or not. It affects their whoe being and how they will act and react as an adult. Mnay people who are babied are not ready for the real world and when they face disapointment and rejection, which they will, they take it too hard and think they have failed and it is hard for them to keep going. It is important for parents to nuture their children but also allow them to face disapointment and the truth about hard thing in life. And waiting until they are older isn't the answer either. Children must learn early that life is not fair and not everyone think they are wonderful like thier parents. Along with being a huge mistake, it is also one of the hardest thing parents have to go through with thier child but in the long run the effects are big.
ReplyDeleteWetzel,
ReplyDeleteI agree, children should feel comfortable with coming to their parents and talking about the good and the bad but that doean's make a friendship. My mother and I are friends now that I am an adult but not before. In a friendship there is not an enforcer and there shouldn't be rules. So if a parent was a friend then the chidlren do waht they want, when they want without facing consequences or judment becasue parnets don't want to make thier child mad at them. Being a reliable, understanding parent who still has control is different from a parent being their child's friend.
Wetzel, I think we had two different interpretations of that particular parental behavior. I don't think parents who let their children smoke, etc. in their home are being their child's friend; I think that is being an irresponsible parent and not caring what their child does. And, all it says is being your child's best friend is a mistake, it's not specific to drinking, smoking, and having sex. I was speaking in general.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to comment on parents expecting their children to fulfill their own dreams. I don't think this is good for children at all. If the child doesn't want to be what their parents want them to be then the child will not be happy with his/herself. They will not go out and do the things that they want to do or what they are interested in because they are worried about pleasing their parents. Parents need to take pride in what their children want to do in their lives and be proud of them when they achieve one of their own goals. To me, one of the most important things for parents to do is to let their child be their own person.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ashley Bowman. It is very easy to point out people who were babied as a child. These people are not as independent. They always rely on their parents to get them through any bad situation. I agree that they are definitely not ready for the real world!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Wetzel. Children need a parent not a friend.
ReplyDeleteBeing your child's best friend will only cause that child to be an irresponsible adult.
ReplyDeleteChildren need structure and discipline. Children need to know right from wrong. Children need to know the consequences for wrong choices such as pregnancy, alcohol and smoking. Children need learn the value of a dollar. Most importantly children need to be loved first and disciplined second.
I agree with Wetzel also A child needs a parent. Once they aren't children anymore then is the time you can be friend.
ReplyDeleteAmiee I to had a wonderful friendship with my parents but the friendship didn't start until I was an adult. It is all in how you define a friend. To me a friend doesn't give me rules I have to follow or punish me when I break the rules.
ReplyDeleteAs a Prescholl teacher I have seen several children that their parents are living their dreams through their children. This can and will cause great harm to the child.
ReplyDeleteBeing your child's best friend.....
ReplyDeleteOne of worst mistakes that parents seem to make is trying to be your child's best friend. This causes the child to lose respect for their parent, also the child will tend test boundaries more if they look as their parent as their friend. Also when parents are theer best friends, in some cases these parents end up hosting teen drinking parties, or the teen's take part in risk taking behaviors because their parents will allow it. In all children do not learn rules and consquences, like their peers who have parent that set rules, and act like parents to their children.
Dona,
ReplyDeleteI agree wih you and Wetzel, once children are grown, then its time to be your child's close friend.
I think that children want and need bounderies, they may not realize it and will fight you every step of the way but later when they get older they'll know that you were doing it out of love.
ReplyDeleteI believe that you can have open lines of communication with your teens without condoning bad or inappropriate behavior. My son once told me I was strict were it mattered, I took that as a compliment, I hope I'm doing something right, but every parent is different and what works for some may not work for others.
kyndra I believe that you can have a close/positive relationship with your child without the need to be the "cool" parent, but I see teens that have been raised in such a strict home enviroment that when they do finally have some form of freedom they go competely crazy, I don't think that is wise either. I don't think it's good to be to much one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteyeah...these are great conversations...keep it going..how are the presentations developing?
ReplyDeleteI think that everyone agrees on parents need to be parents, not friends. This causes problems with the child in the teens years. However you can have a great relationship with your children and great communication without being a friend. Parents do not always have to be an authory figure.
ReplyDeleteI believe that is also bad for a child to be best friends with one of the parents. It's more common in daughters and mothers but it can also be harmful in the father/son realm. In some instances a father can be proud of something his son is doing such as having sex, getting into fights or skipping school. The child will only act more on these because his father is okay with it and supports it. Its unfortunate that this mostly happens in divorced families because mostly the parent only talks to the child on a daily basis so they have nobody else to share there problems with.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Marci, it's hard to have a household that is developing the normal way if there is miscommunication about who is in control.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to comment on parents who expect their children to fulfill their dreams. I think this is one of the worst things that parents can do to their children. I believe that if parents want to “live” through their children, it can end up being a disappointing mess. I think that parents need to preach freedom, yet provide structure, and allow their children to make their own choices in life even if they are opposite of what their parents want them to pursue (as long as their choices aren’t destructive). It is always great when a child wants to go down a path that his or her parents went (if it is a good path), but I don’t think that a child should ever be forced into situations or expected to do certain “things” just to fulfill their parents “dreams.” A child will develop into his or her own person, and parents should raise their children in a way that lets them explore who they want to be—not who their parents want them to be.
ReplyDeleteAlicia U,
ReplyDeleteI also commented on parents who expect their children to fulfill their dreams, and I totally agree with your statement about how “parents need to take pride in what their children want to do in their lives and be proud of them when they achieve their own goals.” That statement really emphasizes parenting that promotes children making their own choices, and parents should always be proud of their children no matter what they pursue as long as “they” are progressing in life in their own way. I also commented on how important it is for parents to “let their child be their own person” because if they don’t, a child could grow up with a false identity and possibly hate his or her life.
I also feel that parents need to be the authoritarian(s), but also that the child needs to know their parents are their friends. I have always considered my parents as my closest friends, even today, but I have extreme respect for them. They definitely set boundaries and were strict, but I totally respect them for that. We had our disagreements and there were times I remember thinking I was older and did not have to listen to them, but I am so glad they were the way they were with me. I also agree that parents should not let their kids do the drinking and smoking thing until the legal age.
ReplyDeletePushing your child into too many activities.
ReplyDeleteHaving a son who is active in many sports-his own decisions on what he plays, by the way, I see this way to much. I feel that this goes hand in hand with living vicariously through your child. My son has played sports since he was 4, age 11 now, I have always asked him if he wanted too, he is very athletic, and has enjoyed watching them as a toddler. I have never pushed him, but he does know if he elects to play he can not quit for the season. However, I have seen so many children being just miserable at practice because they do not want to be there. They do not try to even listen to the coach, and do not put any effort into it. It has really made me mad on some occasions because I have even seen children crying about not wanting to play and their parents force them too. I have a friend and he and his wife adopted a girl, she is 9 now. He was active as a youth with weight lifting and competitons, the wife was overweight, still is so she was not very active. They adopted their daughter and got her into competion cheerleading. The girl really is talented, but she is getting burned out. They would punish her for not doing well at practice, or make her practice at home for hours. He asked me what I thought, so I was honest. I told him that they were pushing her too hard, and going to make her hate something she once loved and was good at. They were taking away her play time by all the practices and private practices. I told him I thought his wife took it too seriously and wanted her to succeed because she was unable to. Children need activity in thier life, just to be healthy, but we can not force them, take away their childhood just to make us happy.
I agree that babying your child is one of the worst things that a parent can do. I agree with Ashley, that you can easily spot a person who was babied as a child. When you baby them you try to protect them from anything in life that is negative or undesirable, but in reality, there's actually a lot that you aren't preparing them for. When they're protected from this while growing up, they don't know how to handle it as an adult. They don't know how to handle hardships in life, they don't know how to communicate with other adults, handle tough times in relationships, and many times they run from situations where hard work and long-term determination are involved, which today, that's a lot of things. I just feel that children who are allowed to experience disappointment and let-downs as children while growing up, are much more prepared to handle it in the real world. It produces strong, determined, sensible adults who are prepared for the challenges they'll face in the reality of daily living.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with you Wetzel. When I was a child, my parents were always concerned with being PARENTS to my siblings and I. I remember having some friends whose parents were too concerned with being "cool" and making sure their child liked them than with making the child follow rules and raising them with structure. I used to think they were so cool and wonder why I couldn't have gotten lucky with cool parents like them. Then as I got older I realized that those kids were turning out all wrong. Their parents let them date at way too early of an age and they were pregnant by the time they were 16 or their parents let them smoke weed (and actually smoked with them) and then they both ended up as pot-heads. I think you definitely have to draw the line and always make sure your main focus is parenting.
ReplyDeleteBeing your child's best friend....As soon as I saw this I disagreed. My mother had me when she was 20 and while that wasn't young to have a child then she wanted to. Her goal was to grow with me and learn from me as I was learning from her. My mother is my best friend and I have nothing but love and respect for her. It is amazing the relationship that we have formed and many people think that we could be sisters instead of mother and daughter. I was raised very well and consider myself a responsible and well mannered adult. I think that having a parent being close to you and respecting them not only as a parent but as a friend is extremely important. I wouldn't have changed anything about the way I grew up. It was great and I am still learning from my mother and my best friend every day.
ReplyDeleteI completely disagree with you Wetzel, my mother is my best friend and I have learned and grown from her into a happy, healty, responsible adult. Just because she is my friend doesn't mean that I don't respect her as my mother. But if you want this kind of a relationship it is important to be able to distinguish between your friend and you parent. Although, I share more with my mother than I would ever share with one of my friends. I don't know, I just disagree with you. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the comment above from Amber my mind changed on my answer. Originally I thought that a parent trying to be their kid's best friend was unacceptable, but I'm borderline on that. Yes, it's good to have a friendly relationship with one or both of your parents. My mother is my best friend because she's been through everything with me and she's the first person I call whenever I've had a bad day. I think the point that draws the line is whenever the parent thinks that they can hang out with their child with their friends. Basically, whenever they start to lose the mindset that they are the parent and start to not act like a parent.
ReplyDeleteTeressa,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your comment. I hate seeing parents push their children into activities especially whenever they don't want to. I think that it's great that you stood up to your friend who kept pushing his daughter. It's true, she will end up hating doing all those activities because of the way she gets treated by her parents if she doesn't do good at practice.
Being a parent should be first and foremost. Children need to know who is "boss" and who should be abiding by the rules. A "friend" is you nest door neighbor or a peer from school. I as an adult still respect my mom and know she is my mom. Being a friend to your child will only spin you world out of control. children need to learn resposibility from the parent and not the "friend."
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Theresa. Kids should be able to pick the sport and then play. I also agree once they start a sport they should finish it. parents sometimes push to hard to the kids are living the parents dream and not there own.
ReplyDeleteI could go on and on about all seven of worst things parents could do. However I do agree with Erica Neal about ailing to give your child structure is one of the seven worst things parents do.
ReplyDeleteYou can spot a child a mile away and tell if they have been structured or not. Also babying your child is very obvious when around that child. There's one thing in spoiling your child to an extent but another when your constantly babying them.
With the whole parents being friends, that's a touchy subject. I know when I was young I called my mom my best friend all time. But then as I started maturing in middle school/high school we become more distance and she understand that if I wanted to tell her I would come to her. But that we understood between the both of us. Now we couldn't possibly be any closer. I tell her well just about everything! Have no secrets and it's feels great. But I'm also almost 23, so I should be able to tell everything.
But I think it's very important for parenting to be there for structure but also to allow your child to have that space and be able to watch them grow and development on their own and then if for some reason you need to step in, you're there. But not constantly running into them and nagging them all the time.
Wow what a lot of good comments on these topics. I have always said I wish my kids would have came with a manual so I could raise them the correct way(if there is one). Parenting has been the hardest challenge I have ever had. I have a son who is 21 and also a soon to be 13 year old. When it comes to the topic of being their "friend" I read all the comments and try to think about my definition of "friend". I am a friend to my boys. But they also know that I am the parent that expects them to follow the rules too. My oldest son had to deal with his dad and I getting a divorce when he was 5. His dad was the "friend" that many of you are talking about. Letting him do anything he wanted when he was there. And that did involve drinking and drugs. How about your 7th grader getting suspended from school for having drugs and come to find out they were his fathers. When I think about friend it is being open with my boys and letting them feel they can come to me with any problems. But I also expect them to follow the rules too. I just had to tell my 12 year old last week that I love him very much but that there are just some times when I have to be the parent and not his friend. My husband and I disagree on this topic because he wants to be the cool dad with Colton and I want him to be the parent when he needs to be and the friend when it is appropriate. I could go on and on about this issue but wont bore you all with it. It is just funny how my family issues fall under our topics for this class. I just want to say that my oldest son has told me several times since he has moved out that if it was not for me he would either be in jail or dead. I must have done something right becaue he has a very good job and thinking about going back to college. But it was a very long and hard road with him.
ReplyDeleteTeressa I would have to agree with you on the pushing your child. My situation is different. My son plays basketball, baseball, and football and would do more if we would let him. I am not the one to push him he pushes himself sometimes to hard. He thinks that he has to be perfect and is at time way to hard on himself. There are times I have to remind him that he is only 12 and will make mistakes. But on the other hand there are some boys on his teams who have parents that want their boys to be perfect and not make mistakes. I can not get over how some of the parents push their kids to be in sports and want them to be perfect. I had to remind one dad just the other day that his son is only 12 and he needs to give him a break and stop being so hard on him. I would rather my son not play sports at times then beat himself up to be what he thinks he needs to be "perfect".
ReplyDeleteI feel very strongly about the "Putting your marriage last" issue. So many married couples suffer after having children. They refuse to make time for themselves individually or as a couple. This leads to a bad family life for the children. Furthermore, couples tend to stay in bad situations because they are married and have kids. I am a firm believer that a broken home is better than a bad one. To be there as mutual partners in parenting you need to be strong as a couple first.
ReplyDeleteI see there is much debate about the parents being friends with children. I feel it is a thin line to walk. You must establish yourself as the parent to guarantee your child's safety, learning, and growth. But it is important not to be so overbearing and controlling that you become isolated from your child. Ideally you want your children to trust you and feel comfortable enough to come to you with whatever problems they have. But at the same time respect your authority and listen to you when needed.
ReplyDeleteI want to comment also on parents wanting kids to fulfill there dreams. I feel that there is nothing wrong with encouraging your children to fulfill dreams, but they should be the child's dreams and no one else's! I also feel that in order for the child to reach there "dreams" and goals, that a parent needs to be supportive and stand by them, because in most cases those "dreams" and goals change as they grow and mature.
ReplyDeleteBabying your child is one of the WORST things a parent can do! I have seen this, and experiencing this with my oldest, which is what happened to him before I adopted! He is 13 years old, and has troubling ordering for himself in a restaurant, functioning at school etc. You should always give your child love and affection, and support, however coddling and babying only hurts them and you. The detramental effect it has on the child is unimaginable! Parents who baby there children amaze me, they want them to be great people and grow up to do great things, but then they turn around and do everything for them. I could go on and on forever about this, and give countless examples, however bottom line is I completely agree with the Friels and say babying is the worst possible thing you can do!!!
ReplyDeletePushing your child into too many activities.
ReplyDeleteI believe that this is one of the worst things you can do because the child never gets the right amount of rest that they need and your family never really gets enough quality time together. When your child is in too many things all that ever seems to get done is running from here to there. I have two children who both play soccer and doing just one sport is enough with two playing. I feel like that is all we do is run from one place to another. During soccer season it seems we are in the car more than we are at home. I can not even imagine if they were into other things along with soccer.
Sheri,
ReplyDeleteMy situation with my boys is the same. I am also their friend, but they know the rules and they listen. I really want my boys to feel that I am their friend, but also have the respect that they should have for me as far as listening and understanding my rules. I want to be a cool mom where my boys' friends want to hang out here, but cool only goes so far. Partying with your kids is NOT COOL!!!!
Erica Neal,
ReplyDeleteI agree that children need structure. I think that having a routine and a schedule makes everyones lives easier and more pleasant. Children seem to function better when routines and schedules are in place. If my boys' get out of their routine all heck breaks lose at our house. All they want to do is fight and not listen. Everything is much more pleasant when they stay in their routine.
I am going to pick one from the list that I feel strongly about. Being Your Childs Best Friend. I think that there is a fine line between this. I have always been best friends with my parents, I knew that they would do anything for me, however, we can't get so caught up in the moments as parents, that we no longer see the need. Parents must take their role and the duties that come with that role, are not always pleasant. Especially with adolescents, you have to tread lightly, but carry a big stick.
ReplyDeleteCassie,
ReplyDeleteI agree, parents can push their children into to many activities. It dosen't allow efficent time for rest. If to many things are placed on adolescents they can become very disconnected and not be efficient. Sometime parents are living their dreams through their parents.
I agree with Cassie I feel that if you push your child to do activiteies that they are not interested in they are not gonna do them and then to keep pushing them and into more than one is overwhelming
ReplyDeletesome folks seem to think that being a best friend to your child means to hang out with them, party, date their friends, etc. these are the parents that do not instill responsibility, prococial behavior. The child often takes advantage of the parent, knowing there are little consequences. On the otherhand, I believe you can be your child's best friend, by guiding and supporting them, allowing them to make decisions, when appropriate, providing them with ways to make good choices and demonstrating positive behavior.
ReplyDeleteI was going to remove this today,but the comments are so relevant and interesting, that I think I will leave it until say, Wednesday...keep this up..I think that you all are learning a lot from one another..don't you just love the topic of this book?!!
ReplyDeletePush your child into too many activities.
ReplyDeleteI see my aunt doing this with her kids, and she does this so they'll stay out of trouble. However, I see her pawning off some of her children's homework onto other people because they don't have time to type a paper or something. I was in quite a bit of activities, but I was able to keep up with my schooling. I think that it puts a lot of stress onto a child.
I agree with Amiee. My best friend is best friends with her mom and dad. It was so different going over to her house because I saw how they could talk about ANYTHING and I never could with my mom. With my family there is no being best friends with your child..there are the parents and then the kids. Her life growing up was so different from mine because she was best friends with her mom and dad. I think it's a good thing. She had rules which she never followed, but she knew to be safe and how far she could push them. I think that parents need to be best friends with their kids..this may help out once they hit the adolescent stage in life.
ReplyDeleteOkay, wow, these 7 things are all things that could obviously hinder a child but I think they are also things that all parents do to some extent just through normal parenting. I could write about each one but I'll pick one. It's a little hard to have an opinionated perspective on these since I'm not a parent. I know things are different when you're in the situation. So I'll just pick one for now...
ReplyDeleteWell, I had a whole thing typed up and then it went away when I signed in so we'll try again...
2. Put your marriage last.
This is the one I chose I guess because I'm soon to be married. I think it is very important for the parents to have a good marriage and to keep it a priority to have a strong family. There should be a strong foundation for a child to depend on. Parents should be able to communicate and agree on raising their child or else the child may be confused and not know what the expectations are. Children should be able to know they have a support system to rely on. When parents are not focused on their marriage at all they can be divided in their parenting and it can make the child feel like the family is not unified. The whole family is important to focus on but the marriage should be held up in priority as well.
I agree with Cassie with pushing too many activities on your children. I was involved with band all through school and a few other things but it was always manageable and I always had the choice. I think it's important to keep your child involved but not to the extent that the child is being too stressed out. I know how much my own life can get hectic right now with school and everything else and I could only imagine how much pressure that could be to a young child. It should be a balance of activities the child enjoys and the time management allowed for each thing. Every parent can push their child but it should be more encouraging instead of too much pressure. I think the child's choice is another important factor. Children may not always LOVE every activity they're encouraged to do but they should have the option to be involved.
ReplyDelete